Aham Prema Take 1

 This morning at JOY Wellness of Salem, NH, I started on a mantra journey with a few dozen other women. I don't know what the other yogis are seeking in practing the Aham Prema (I am Divine Love) mantra 108 times daily for 40 days. Yet, when I saw an email from the studio/business owner, Jennifer, I felt compelled to take part in this experience. It is reasonably priced at $22.00, available in person AND on zoom, which is flexible and that’s what I need. I know I’m not the only busy, full time working mom, seeking balance and self love. Flexible practices like this one, envisioned by the yoga teachers (Kerri, Erika, Jennifer, and Barbara), help make that possible for us. 

 This morning, I decided that I will blog each day about this mantra experience.  

  One reason I’m doing the mantra 40 day challenge is that I have been aching to express my voice and to be heard. I need to use my voice to remind myself that I’m steady and steadfast. I need to remind myself of the strength I possess and to unleash this voice of mine. 

Accountability can be difficult and I’ve attempted to do ‘yoga every day’ with some YouTube yogis like Adriene Mischler in a week or month long challenge. On my own, though, Life sweeps those intentions away and shoved them in a drawer. Ok,  to be honest,*I let them* be swept away as Life, Work, and Family presented more compelling and immediate cases. 

 An idea came to my mind and heart this morning, as one of the yoga teachers (Erika) shared a story about the mantra, and how it’s like planting a seed which will later come to fruition. Often, as an English teacher, I’ve felt like teaching is like planting seeds. Often, I never learn if, when, or how those seeds took root or came to fruition. However, with mantra, if it is like planting a seed, maybe we can be our own teachers. Only this time, as my own teacher, I will experience the bursting forth and growth of the seed into a mighty oak or a persistent, hardy plant like hostas. I will learn about myself and my capacity to express love and to use my voice with pride and joy. 

 This morning at JOY, we received mala beads to borrow for this journey; they remind me of rosary beads. I chose green for the heart chakra. The beads remind me that even though words do not technically hold weight, my spoken mantra is going to echo a promise to myself: receive love and send it back out to the Universe. 

 At the end of the first mantra session, I did something I don’t often do. I gave in to the urge to communicate with another yogi (I’ll call her J), and engaged in conversation about practicing yoga and mantra. I shared a nugget of yoga wisdom that I’ve learned about hip opening poses and their ability to help you tap into your emotions, in order to express them. I hoped it may benefit J, if she didnt already know this. 

  I wonder if that is why I gravitate towards pigeon pose and love the surrender of it, as I lay my head on my folded arms or the backs of my hands. I feel others’ emotion in addition to my own and the way I can let go of these feelings is through this practice. 

 Another reason I'm committing further to this challenge is that I got some difficult news yesterday that affects my husband and I, which impacts our finances and our lives in general. This news came upon the heels of a long wait that my husband (and myself) have had and it burned up our hopes in an instant. I hoped, prayed, and tried to manifest a good result at the end of this long wait. It seems we will have to keep waiting and fighting for who knows how much longer. I’m afraid but still hold onto hope. 

 To give you some background information, my husband lives with chronic, terrible back pain. He drops things because his fingers will lock up or let things slip on their own. His legs have buckled under when he’s merely walking. He’s had several surgeries on his back and neck. Some days, he can barely walk because his body hurts so badly. 

So, you see, disappointment arrived and doused our hope just before this mantra journey. I need to remember my inner strength, ability to hope, and express love for myself and others. 

I don’t know why I felt compelled to chronicle these 40 days and my experience with the Aham Prema mantra, but I’m listening to that inner voice that urges me to do so. 

Maybe what I need most (aside from abundance) and the knowledge I seek, is all within me.

  Some days, I may only manage to scribble a few incoherent sentences, yet I hope readers like you might stick with me as I keep using my writer’s voice and listening to my instincts, for whatever good they may do. 

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