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Aham Prema till the end

 I have way too many posts to catch up on. I let one slide and then another and then it was just the snowball effect. But today I've had some REALLY BIG FEELINGS. Part of what is tough is that I have always had big feelings but it wasn't always ok to express them. Or, if I expressed them, I might not find the necessary support to help me process them. Anyway, today some of the Big Feelings involved--Karen-- who has insulted my family. Said horrible things about people I love who are closest to my heart. And for that reason, anger swept over me when I saw Karen in a space where I usually feel is a safe space for me, hosting only good energy. It was hard to just be there and just try enjoy myself like I had planned on doing. As I moved around in the space, I thought of the awful things that I've heard, which all trace back to her. When I am feeling strong emotion, of any kind, my hands shake. I felt my hands shaking terribly. My breath choppy. My face felt hot and flushed. I ...
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Aham Prema #8

Day 8 I anticipate this being a short post mainly because I'm tired. I did my Aham Prema in the evening tonight. Sat on my floor with my green mala beads, passing them through my fingers, listening to the sounds of the chanting to music and moving myself back and forth to the beat, slowly.  It's been the kind of day where I got up, made a plan, and have been going since then. Chores, work, meal prep, and planning have been the focus.  After Aham Prema, I felt I could use a bit more. I did a meditation to release anger. Both helped me to feel like I could let go of the emotion after feeling or to let my mind focus on the body sensations or chanting.  I don't need any extra stress right now. Life has been stressful enough. But a bad situation that has come up may result in a child getting the help they need: possibly more than one young person. That is a good thing. Sometimes things have to get messy. Sometimes there needs to be an uproar in order for problems to come to li...
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Aham Prema 27

 Yesteerday I took a yin class with Jennifer and it was a restorative, gentle flow. After the challenge of 54 sun salutations, my upper arms are slightly sore and I was relieved that the yin class was, in true yin fashion, kind to my body. I feel as though I hold a lot of tension in my forehead while practicing, especially in person as opposed to yoga I do at home. I find if I have my head down, like in child's pose, I'm not worried about anyone seeing the expression on my face. In turn, I feel like my face relaxes more easily. I guess I struggle with being seen, assuming what others' think based on how I appear.   One reason for that is that I KNOW because people have told me, that I look nervous or anxious or afraid. Teenagers I've taught have said that it seemed like I was afraid of them but the truth is that it's social anxiety. In a one to one conference with a student, I may feel at ease and confident, but in a room full of bodies, all watching me and listenin...
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A-ham Pray-ma 26

 Today, I attended an hour and 45 minute session of yoga with Jennifer at the JOY Yoga studio in Salem, NH.  I liked that we began with a little breathing and mantra with mala beads, chanting Aham Prema: I am divine love. I had already done my mantra meditation this morning but was happy to do another round. Another aham prema in the bank in case I miss a day.  Next, we did 54--no, really--54 sun salutations! It was a sweaty room when we finished saluting the sun. Then we took part in sound healing. The rainsticks and other instruments played as we lay or sat in meditation. I stayed in corpse pose for a long time, willing myself to just let go. I urged myself to feel anything that came up and be open to healing.  The harmonium and other instruments created sounds that felt like they were coming and going, like waves. Music as a force, like gravity. I felt the music going right to left, and left to right. Solely on my right, then solely heard on my left. I let my head...
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Aham Prema 25

 So, clearly I need to catch up. I'm trying to take ten minutes before getting my work stuff set up and ready.   I'm not going to blog about the mantra practice, though I did it this morning. I've been in a weird mood this morning and recently, I'm having thoughts about the meaning of life and why we're here. What's the point in it all. Is it to learn and grow as people? To make mistakes and keep learning to detach from what doesn't matter in order to make room for what does? Is inner peace even possible in the world we live in right now? This world is riddled with problems with violence, war, poverty, political upheaval, the loss of democray as we know it, the devaluing of education, and the prioritization of the wrong values. It seems like, as it was in biblical times, bad people are thriving. The evildoers are out there on red carpets and having tableside wine offerings, while good people struggle to afford to live a nice life. And nothing I'm saying ...
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Aham Prema 18-20?

 I'm not totally sure about the timing but I think tomorrow is Day 21. I said the mantra this morning. I started to play one of the video recordings that the yoga studio owner shared but then I went to the song version on YouTube. I don't have the "Aham Prema" in my head on a loop; however, yesterday in yin yoga, we did a long savasana and I started reciting Aham Prema to occupy my mind. I'm glad I went to yin yoga last night. After yoga, especially yin, I feel lighter. I feel freer and more like myself. A version of myself that I like and one that isn't so anxiously guarded.  I used the Aham Prema while visiting the dentist as well. I keep count on my fingers when I think of the words in my head. I felt nervous about going to this new dentist and the hygentist noticed and commented that I looked nervous. Wonderful. I don't want it to be written all over my face but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by new places or anxious when I'm a new patient somewhere....
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Aham Prema 16-17

 I am divine love. Divine ❤️. Not I am loved or I am divinely loved, but I. AM. DIVINE. LOVE. I embody it: I am made up of divine love.  This phrase calls to mind what I've learned through Catholicism about Jesus being wholly divine yet also wholly human. And that God so loved the world, Jesus was sent here as the embodiment of divine love.  We each possess unique gifts and are so frail and vulnerable in our humanity. Our bodies are susceptible to illness, injury, and so much harm. Our hearts and our egos are equally frail and we give others way too much power over ourselves. It can happen unconsciously. It can happen as children.   I thought about my younger self today. That me that had golden curls that would swing on my trapeze bar on the swingset. I remember being joyful. I believe I was an outgoing little girl, when I was small--2, 3, 4,5. I would guess around 7 or 8 was when the weight of the world begin to reach its hands down and press them against my sh...
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