Yogi Yaps

 Yesteerday I took a yin class with Jennifer and it was a restorative, gentle flow. After the challenge of 54 sun salutations, my upper arms are slightly sore and I was relieved that the yin class was, in true yin fashion, kind to my body. I feel as though I hold a lot of tension in my forehead while practicing, especially in person as opposed to yoga I do at home. I find if I have my head down, like in child's pose, I'm not worried about anyone seeing the expression on my face. In turn, I feel like my face relaxes more easily. I guess I struggle with being seen, assuming what others' think based on how I appear.   One reason for that is that I KNOW because people have told me, that I look nervous or anxious or afraid. Teenagers I've taught have said that it seemed like I was afraid of them but the truth is that it's social anxiety. In a one to one conference with a student, I may feel at ease and confident, but in a room full of bodies, all watching me and listenin...

 Today, I attended an hour and 45 minute session of yoga with Jennifer at the JOY Yoga studio in Salem, NH.  I liked that we began with a little breathing and mantra with mala beads, chanting Aham Prema: I am divine love. I had already done my mantra meditation this morning but was happy to do another round. Another aham prema in the bank in case I miss a day.  Next, we did 54--no, really--54 sun salutations! It was a sweaty room when we finished saluting the sun. Then we took part in sound healing. The rainsticks and other instruments played as we lay or sat in meditation. I stayed in corpse pose for a long time, willing myself to just let go. I urged myself to feel anything that came up and be open to healing.  The harmonium and other instruments created sounds that felt like they were coming and going, like waves. Music as a force, like gravity. I felt the music going right to left, and left to right. Solely on my right, then solely heard on my left. I let my head...

 So, clearly I need to catch up. I'm trying to take ten minutes before getting my work stuff set up and ready.   I'm not going to blog about the mantra practice, though I did it this morning. I've been in a weird mood this morning and recently, I'm having thoughts about the meaning of life and why we're here. What's the point in it all. Is it to learn and grow as people? To make mistakes and keep learning to detach from what doesn't matter in order to make room for what does? Is inner peace even possible in the world we live in right now? This world is riddled with problems with violence, war, poverty, political upheaval, the loss of democray as we know it, the devaluing of education, and the prioritization of the wrong values. It seems like, as it was in biblical times, bad people are thriving. The evildoers are out there on red carpets and having tableside wine offerings, while good people struggle to afford to live a nice life. And nothing I'm saying ...

 I'm not totally sure about the timing but I think tomorrow is Day 21. I said the mantra this morning. I started to play one of the video recordings that the yoga studio owner shared but then I went to the song version on YouTube. I don't have the "Aham Prema" in my head on a loop; however, yesterday in yin yoga, we did a long savasana and I started reciting Aham Prema to occupy my mind. I'm glad I went to yin yoga last night. After yoga, especially yin, I feel lighter. I feel freer and more like myself. A version of myself that I like and one that isn't so anxiously guarded.  I used the Aham Prema while visiting the dentist as well. I keep count on my fingers when I think of the words in my head. I felt nervous about going to this new dentist and the hygentist noticed and commented that I looked nervous. Wonderful. I don't want it to be written all over my face but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by new places or anxious when I'm a new patient somewhere....

 I am divine love. Divine ❤️. Not I am loved or I am divinely loved, but I. AM. DIVINE. LOVE. I embody it: I am made up of divine love.  This phrase calls to mind what I've learned through Catholicism about Jesus being wholly divine yet also wholly human. And that God so loved the world, Jesus was sent here as the embodiment of divine love.  We each possess unique gifts and are so frail and vulnerable in our humanity. Our bodies are susceptible to illness, injury, and so much harm. Our hearts and our egos are equally frail and we give others way too much power over ourselves. It can happen unconsciously. It can happen as children.   I thought about my younger self today. That me that had golden curls that would swing on my trapeze bar on the swingset. I remember being joyful. I believe I was an outgoing little girl, when I was small--2, 3, 4,5. I would guess around 7 or 8 was when the weight of the world begin to reach its hands down and press them against my sh...

 Is it day 14? I think. if I started on a Saturday though, I think it's more like 15. I know I got off the rails for a second with my blogging.  I listened to the Youtube version of the chanting today, moving the beads through my hands. I didn't chant above a whisper and mostly just followed along in my head. When my whole family is home, I feel more inhibited. I know someone might walk in the room and look at me or talk to me like I seem so odd. Like a pink giraffe is sitting and counting beans in the room.    I need to have a peaceful day. I cannot have an argument with anyone today. If I need to remove myself or keep to myself in order to do that, then that's what I'll do. I may feel triggered. Someone may trigger me intentionally to provoke a reaction. I need to be able to just let go. Let go and let other people feel what they're feeling, despite how irrational it may seem to me, their feelings make sense to them. I let go of how others perceive the world and h...

 I did my mantra the last two days but not any writing to follow it.  In general, it's been a ritual, and I do feel there's value.  I've been thinking that I need to do less instead of more. I will plan to do more than is reasonable in a certain time frame or more than I should, I guess?  Yesterday, I used chat gpt to help me organize and prioritize my work tasks. I planned to stop at 2:30 and wanted that to be a hard stop. It was good because i did the most important stuff and didn't drift into finding new question slides or other stuff that isn't big priority. I didn't get caught up in email.   I spoke with my husband yesterday about making sure I preserve my energy. I have some overachiever tendencies but that's not a brag or a flex. I'm not necessarily doing well while I'm trying to do everything that needs doing and find myself e exhausted at 7pm and getting irritable because I haven't taken a moment to just *be.* Aside from meditation, of c...

 I can't believe it's already Day 11. I feel accomplished having done the mantra 108 counts in 5-6 minutes of dedicated meditation before 8am.  There is something about 11 days that makes me think "wow, double digits" in a way that 10 didn't--is that weird?  I don't know. I don't really have time to write at the moment but I'm doing it anyway. It's hard to write at night when I'm tired.  I use freewrites each week in teaching writing but I've noticed lots of students struggle to write anything at all without a prompt. I know sometimes I'm trying to write a blog entry or something else and I blank out or feel like I'm not saying anything really important. But that's not the point. The point in freewriting, like I'm doing now, is to express what comes to mind without censure or judgment. You just try to write and keep writing, until the timer sounds. I used this practice in College Writing and my college students did so much b...

 I haven't forgotten or missed an Aham Prema day, which is good. I typically do the mantra at the same time of day, listening to the same video, moving the mala beads through my hands. My fingers crept from one to the other, counting the mantras.  I made it to yoga today. While waiting for the class to begin, I recited a few "Aham Premas" in my head. Later, for an intention, I immediately thought of "Let Go." That's something I need to do. Let go of others' emotions, the past, the future, things I cannot control, and how others will react. At the  yoga class today, at JOY, the tea light candles and fire were on, making the room look very cozy. And it was warm, which I don't prefer for an active flow. The teacher turned down the heat, which was a good thing. I found it difficult to just "let go" during this practice, but during savasana--for a few moments, I rested my head on my head and felt that peace. Peace can be fleeting but it is exqui...

 I just did my at home yoga practice. I feel like I've been neglecting my yoga while I've been meditating more and every day. I did the Aham Prema practice this morning. I keep thinking of the words at other times as well. When my mind has been troubled, I keep thinking of Let Go as a mantra, too.  Let Go. Let go. Let go.  Aham prema. Aham prema. I am divine love. I am divine love.  What I need is to let go; especially, to let go of everyone's feelings. I feel overly responsible for everyone else's feelings. I let go and let God. I let divine love come in and block negative, toxic energy out. 

I don't know if it's supposed to be actually day 8; I don't think so. I got a message from the yoga studio that it was "Day 8." I never heard back in response to my offer to share my writing, though I've seen and heard encouragement to "share your thoughts" as though the owner/teacher(s) want feedback or to hear someone's reflection upon doing the mantras. I'm irritated but it's about something else not related to this topic.    I'm feeling bothered about a toxic person who is causing drama and the only way to "win" or to preserve one's peace is to not play their game. I'm used to walking away. I'm used to silencing my voice and turning in the other direction, and putting distance between myself and someone else who is just out to cause damage because they have nothing better to do with their lives. I keep seeing some kind of narcissist in my life, like an undercover one. They wear a convincing disguise. I also f...