Aham Prema 27

 Yesteerday I took a yin class with Jennifer and it was a restorative, gentle flow. After the challenge of 54 sun salutations, my upper arms are slightly sore and I was relieved that the yin class was, in true yin fashion, kind to my body. I feel as though I hold a lot of tension in my forehead while practicing, especially in person as opposed to yoga I do at home. I find if I have my head down, like in child's pose, I'm not worried about anyone seeing the expression on my face. In turn, I feel like my face relaxes more easily. I guess I struggle with being seen, assuming what others' think based on how I appear. 

 One reason for that is that I KNOW because people have told me, that I look nervous or anxious or afraid. Teenagers I've taught have said that it seemed like I was afraid of them but the truth is that it's social anxiety. In a one to one conference with a student, I may feel at ease and confident, but in a room full of bodies, all watching me and listening to me, I feel on display. I feel like everyone is seeing any mistake I make and judging me for it. I know these are feelings that are on par with what most people experience for social anxiety but the hard thing is that I'm not just thinking or assuming people can tell I'm anxious or afraid but that I project that with my body language. It isn't just me telling myself; a few students have said directly in front of me that I look scared or commented on my hands shaking. That just made me feel more self conscious and more like I don't have the confidence I need to manage the unknown, the scary, new environments. My desire to guard myself and keep a mask up, to protect myself from others seeing ME as I am: why do I feel like I have to keep a guard up? Am I afraid to say or do the wrong thing? What would happen if I make a mistake in front of a hundred people? What if I kept messing up my words? Am I afraid that I'd look like a fool and others would know I'm an imposter? That I'm just faking it, trying to make it? Drop the mask. Let go of the fear. Unlock yourself from the prison that is social anxiety. 

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