Aham Prema till the end

 I have way too many posts to catch up on. I let one slide and then another and then it was just the snowball effect. But today I've had some REALLY BIG FEELINGS. Part of what is tough is that I have always had big feelings but it wasn't always ok to express them. Or, if I expressed them, I might not find the necessary support to help me process them. Anyway, today some of the Big Feelings involved--Karen-- who has insulted my family. Said horrible things about people I love who are closest to my heart. And for that reason, anger swept over me when I saw Karen in a space where I usually feel is a safe space for me, hosting only good energy. It was hard to just be there and just try enjoy myself like I had planned on doing. As I moved around in the space, I thought of the awful things that I've heard, which all trace back to her. When I am feeling strong emotion, of any kind, my hands shake. I felt my hands shaking terribly. My breath choppy. My face felt hot and flushed. I breathed. I focused on my breathing as much as possible. I focused on moving with grace. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to the ground. 

I wondered to myself if Karen is aware at all of the damage she has caused; not necessarily on purpose, but just by being jealous and cruel. Blithely ignoring the Godzilla-like wreckage that surroundsd her, convinced that she is right, and anyone on her side is right, while everyone else is wrong. I wonder if she's ever checked herself and realized that she should actually apologize to other people who are part of the wreckage. Trampled in Tokyo. And this person could have been my friend and was someone I had no ill will towards but the mask dropped slightly, then ever slightly more, then dramatically until I saw that the visage she painted on was not really her. I feel betrayed when I learn that someone is not who I originally thought and is actually pretty fucking toxic. However, I also thought that it's sad. I thought of my blessings and all the things that I'm grateful for. I have so much to appreciate in my life. I couldn't help but feel so angry today, but I don't want to stay there. I will let go, because it isn't worth affecting my ability to be happy. No one gets to steal my JOY. They can say nasty things about me behind my back, and insult my loved ones, but it all comes from a place of insecurity. Fear. A need to control everything. 

I stayed with the feelings. I stayed with my anger and it mostly subsided though I felt the BIG FEELINGS creep back when I had to cross paths with her in order to leave. I don't know why I get strong physical reactions when I feel intense emotion, but I guess they try to match each other. I think I also don't trust myself to handle the intensity of my feelings, though I have handled plenty of emotions before. Other peoples' feelings, especially anger, stirs up volcanic emotion instead me. The Aham Prema mantra is about being divine love, all beings composed with love infused in every cell, undeniably. Anger is an emotion that emerges when we feel our boundaries are being crossed. Hence, the anger I felt today. I want to be able to feel any emotion, without supressing it, and then LET GO of the emotion--whether grief, fear, sadness, or anger. I have avoided people and places that are triggering but sometimes you can't do that. Sometimes you have to stand and deal. You have to manage the emotion instead of being managed by it. You have to let it go so that it won't take your peace or joy. If you hold onto anger and hold on and can't let go of it, you'll end up hurting yourself by diminishing your own capacity for a happy life. 

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